It's a landmark day for us seniors...our last clinical day. It's a little bittersweet for me. I did my last batch of paperwork tonight knowing I'll never have to do this again. Made it easier. I chose to hand it in late knowing I risk getting a lower grade for the day.
I did this because of my patient, whom I call "Blue."
She's a couple months old and has already had a couple surgeries to fix a bad heart. She has a little "zipper" on her chest where they worked on her bad ticker.
I realize I had never truly seen cyanosis until I met her. (Lack of oxygen in the blood causes us to turn blue...a clinical symptom we call cyanosis). This kid is blue. And when she cries...she turns the color of a Smurf. As a student nurse, this truly terrified me, because her saturation levels are scary-low.
I hovered over her for the last two days. Occasionally having to wake her up just to make sure she was only sleeping...not something worse. Of course we fell in love. (My good friend here said I'm not allowed to grow our family of "adopted babies" anymore because we won't be able to afford to send them all to college. But I just keep on adopting them...in my head anyway.)
As soon as I met her I knew she was gonna be trouble so I tried to bring out the bricks and mortar. Mentally I began to erect a solid wall around my heart. She was so lonely. Her mamma has older kids at home, so she was only able to come some evenings. This baby had never even seen her home. And she has more surgeries still to come, possibly a transplant. (An even sadder thought.)
Higher and higher I built my wall.
But then I began ignoring my paperwork. Instead I'd go in and despite all the lines and tubes, pick this little one up and rock her. My co-assigned nurse was so happy I was willing to do this. As much as they care, they have too many patients to get in there and hold each one. And we know from the troubling studies done in overcrowded orphanages abroad how much a baby's brain needs human contact. So I rocked and I stared into her dusky little face.
It's in the eyes.
When I mentioned how she loves to look at faces my nurse said the saddest thing: "It's the sicker babies who really suck you in with their eyes and just pin you down with them. It's like they don't have the energy to do much else, so they do all their communicating with their eyes."
I couldn't agree more. It's like I really didn't have any other choice but to hold her.
Which is why when a volunteer Baby Cuddler came on the floor asking who needed to be held, I volunteered Blue. And that is when she told me something that made me feel so much rage I didn't know what to do with it all. In Blue's chart is a note that says: No Baby Cuddlers.
WHY THE HELL NOT??
When she isn't being fed, she is laying in her crib alone. It's not like she sleeps all the time like she did when she was newborn. And her zipper is all healed up so she's sturdy enough. We don't even know if she'll be around all that long, as sick as she is. Shouldn't she get all the affection she possibly can, DAMMIT?! She needs rocking. She needs cooing. She needs somebody to smile back!
This is why this term needed to end. Clearly I'm not cut out to be a baby nurse. I love them too much and don't believe I have the professional detachment needed to take care of them.
So our group went to the bar for a celebratory drink after our day on the floor. Then we had another (because it was somebody's birthday). Then we had another (because it started raining, and who wants to walk home in the rain?) Then it was nap time. And here it is 2:15 in the morning. I have a final in less than 36 hours and really need to study. (There is a whole lot to know about sick babies.) Instead my mind is on Blue. Writing about her will fix her in my memories. I'll remember how her soft head felt tucked into my neck. She usually likes it tipped way back, because it opens up her airway and makes it easier to breathe.
She must have really wanted a snuggle to drop it down onto my chest the way she did.
I'll study tomorrow. Tonight I'll remember Blue.
(Please pray for her folks...she could really use it. And P.S. if you have it in you, try calling the Volunteer office at your hospital nearby and ask if they have a Baby Cuddling program. There is a lot of red tape to go through, but it is a very needed service.)
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